My Reinvention

I was watching Dawson's Creek today-I realize that this sequay is less than inspiring-and Dawson was having one of his many teen anxt problems per usual...but this time, it spoke to me very profoundly.  He was realizing that he had narrowed his field of vision about who he was and what he wanted in his future and he was trapping himself when he, in reality, had a blank future before him.  In one scene, he is clearing his bedroom walls completely of all his old posters and memorabelia in hopes of renewal.  I realized that, as much as this may be a teen problem, it's also a me problem.  I used to really know what I wanted and what I liked and it didn't matter how I got there as long as I was enjoying the ride while I was going.  I pierced my tongue and dyed my hair pink and wore mismatched outfits and drank green tea and listened to the same CDs over and over because they inspired me.  I stayed up late just to write and I would spend all day belting musicals and working on jigsaw puzzles and didn't worry about tomorrow or not having time to do things.  I have become stale-I got married and have become stale.  I love my husband but I need to pull back and reinvent my single self in order to be happy with what I'm contributint to not only him, but to myself. I have had the same cut for years, I haven't pierced or tatooed myself in years (and although this doesn't matter so much, I never change my jewellry...it's been plain forever).  I wear safe outfits and listen to music mostly when I'm in my car and even then, only on the radio.  I'm not sure what my favourite band is or even what my favourite color is.  I spend my weekends worrying about what I'll do in them that won't make me feel as if I've wasted them instead of just doing things that make me happy.  I avoid social contact with people unless they're safe.  I've been invited to Band rehearsals on Wednesdays and haven't gone, there's yoga classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I never go...my dreams are so faded that I can barely see them when, in reality, there is zero things stopping me from reaching them.  I have quieted myself down and now am too scared to go out and do things.  So, I'm starting out to get them.

It's going to begin simply...I'm going to go through my CD's and find out what I have that I still want and which ones make me the happiest...I know I've discovered a love for oldies songs and the Big Band Era so a couple of burned CD's of those will do me just fine.  Thus far, I've listened to Bryan Adams "So Far, So Good"-awesome album, literally his best songs on one disc and perfect for cranking on a hot summer day with the windows rolled down, cruising in your car.  I'm currently listening to Clay Aiken's "Measure of a Man".  The thing I like most about this CD is his vocals; the words are sub-par but his vocals really win me over and I have a lot of good memories from the tracks.

And I miss Jesus-it's been way too long.

I guess, I'll keep you updated as I go along.