Affirmation: Day Three

Day three: I am beautiful when my hair's a mess and I haven't put my make-up on yet.
The challenge today is simply to not put make-up on or do your hair at all today and remember-you're more beautiful this way because this is how God made you; make up and hair are just enhancers.
Have a lovely day.

P.S. I did yesterdays exercise faithfully all day and the results were amazing. It was like by the end of the day, all the ugliness I had seen melted away. I'm going to continue it.

Day Two: Affirmations

Well, everyone, I hope that the first affirmation was a success! I know I had trouble remembering sometimes and once I caught myself looking in the mirror and thinking how tired I looked but then I remembered that I only wanted good thoughts so I thought about all the things I liked about myself and the list wasn't too short!

Day Two:
Each morning I will smile at the woman in the mirror instead of scowling. I will be sensitive to her needs and treat her with kindness. I will be proud of her accomplishments and accepting of her faults. I will allow her to be herself. She is me and I am beautiful.
The goal for today is to pick one part of your body that you have trouble loving. Make a list of all the things that you like about that body part and everytime you look in the mirror, force yourself to look at it and remember why you love it.

The body part I choose is my stomache. I've always hated it. Here's the things I love about it.
1. The milky white color
2. It's still stretchmark free and smooth.
3. No hideous treasure trail.
4. The two moles on the left of my belly button.
5. My belly button
6. It will be my children's first home.
7. It gives me my curves.

Daily Affirmations

I borrowed an affirmation book from my grandma. It's called 'I Am Beautiful' and it's written by Diane Mastromarino. I was skimming through it and it carries such strength for those of us so fortunate to be women...but unfortunately, we tend to take ourselves for granted and even think we're not good enough, so each day, I'm going to post a new page from the book along with a mini exercise to work on through the day.

Day One:
Part of being beautiful is the knowledge that I am not just saying these words, but truly believing them.
Today, everytime you see your reflection, think to yourself 'I am Beautiful' and find one feature about yourself that you admire outwardly.

The Sky

I think what most people don't know is that one of the things that drew me back home to Manitoba is the sky. For something so vast, I find it very intimate. In all the places I've been, it's felt different; almost like it defines the mood that is set in each particular place. In Alberta, the sky is overwhelming in its simpleness. Everything about it seems unreachable, like you're looking at a painted canvass. It seems to just sit there, immovable and grand. It's also fickle, cloudy one moment and sunny the next or cloudy and cold and miserable in one town and sunny and warm and wonderful in another. When the rain clouds come in, they sweep the sky and sit above you half heartedly.
In Hawaii, the sky is too large like it's swollen too far in hopes of encompassing all of paradise. It is pastel and the clouds seem lazy as if the lack of importance emanating from the shores influences them. The horizons sparkle and blend into the ocean and the sunsets are understated and dull, perhaps only pale in comparison to it's surroundings. The rain comes in sheets from a seemingly empty sky because even the thunder seems to have trouble invading the stillness.
In British Columbia the sky is bountiful and full of freedom. The clouds swell and sit themselves comfortably over the mountains, sometimes white and peaceful,other times dark and forboding. The blue is too blue and the black too black but no matter how overwhelming, you feel strangely at ease as it encompasses you. The air is seemingly sweet and the rain is plentiful but hopeful. Life is evident in the sprawling coastal skies.
In Manitoba, the sky is so close you can almost touch it but so immense and full of life that you doubt you can. Everyday, the picture it paints is clearer, more brilliant and possibly full of more color. The clouds have many faces and the sun shows hope and possiblitly and growth. The prairies open up before it to enable us to see every aspect of the sunrise and set and it's my firm belief that making pictures in the clouds was invented in a sky like Manitobas. When the rain comes in, the thunder and dark clouds rumble omniously like a train down a track and the blackness furls in like smoke with a light show. A Manitoba sky is peaceful and powerful and stunning and is what draws me back even if I don't realize it.

Four More CDs Down

Alright,
Three more CDs have been listened to. I have listened to CD One of my Bach collection: The Brandenburg Concertos. There are so many ways that I love and respect this composer-for those who like Classical music, this is a must. Imogen Heap's 'Speak For Yourself'...I love, love, love Imogen Heap. She makes me feel punk/rock. And finally, Meatloaf's third album, 'Bat Out Of Hell III: The Monster is Loose' and first album 'Bat out of Hell'. Although I haven't listend to the second CD recently, I think I'd have to rate them as follows; album One, Three and then Two. All good though and a must-have on long car trips.

Books

I had made a silent vow when the new year came in that I would try to read a book a month.  Well, it's February sixteenth and I'm on book four already.  This year I've read 'The Reader' by Bernard Schlink, 'Swang Song' by Robert McCammon, 'Feathers in the Fire' by Catherine Cookson and am now on 'The Stand' by Stephen King.  'The Reader' was pretty good.  If you've seen the movie, you've pretty much read the book because the filmmakers copied it almost word for word and I enjoyed both highly.  'Swan Song' was amazing but I think everything ever written by Robert McCammon is amazing.  It's about the end of the world and those that survive it to create the new world.  I literally couldn't put it down.  'Feathers in the Fire' is sub-par.  It's an easy read and was lent to me by Grandma.  So far, 'The Stand' had caught my interest.  It's HUGE so hopefully I can finish it in good time.  I'm way ahead of my goal anyway so  it doesn't matter if it takes me a little longer.

I have discovered that I don't have a favorite color per say.  It seems to interchange from day to day.   It tends to linger between green, orange, red, pink or blue.  I can't seem to decided which I like best.  So I'll like them all.

Backstreet's Back

Okay, I have now listened to all the Backstreet Boys I own. Wow, what a trip down memory lane (those of you who were there may very well remember a certain concert on our front lawn at 1:30 in the evening). I hardly ever listen to them anymore but I pull them out to be reminded of my highschool years and it brings me closer to my SSS (even when we're all seperated).  My favourite still has to be Millenium, followed by Black and Blue, then Never Gone, Backstreet's Back and Backstreet Boys.  However, they apparently have two NEW albums and one just came out in 2009; Unbreakable and This is Us (both sans Kevin).  Unfortunately, I may have to purchase these as I have never been without one of their CDs...it's more a tradition than anything now-man, sometimes I hate growing up!

Riverdance

Okay, so I skipped ahead in my CD collection.  I have owned the 'Riverdance' soundtrack for forever.  I still love it.  I play it all the time when I'm writing and I have long memories when I listen to the songs.  I remember three girls sitting on a fallen tree with an old boom box listening to (Lament) and thinking of the possibilities of Cassie's writing endeavor she was calling 'Bethany's Cove'.  I guess it reminds me of our dreams and what we hoped for and that's what brings me back to it.  Plus, the movie for it is amazing.

Three More CDs Down

Okay, I've listened to three more albums in my collection-Clay Aiken's 'A Thousand Different Ways', which is just a compilation of love songs; good but I reiterate from his last CD.  And then, we have Audio A's 'Underdog' and 'Lift'-both tres fantastique and worthy of anyones valuable listening time.  I always feel amazing after listening to them.

My Reinvention

I was watching Dawson's Creek today-I realize that this sequay is less than inspiring-and Dawson was having one of his many teen anxt problems per usual...but this time, it spoke to me very profoundly.  He was realizing that he had narrowed his field of vision about who he was and what he wanted in his future and he was trapping himself when he, in reality, had a blank future before him.  In one scene, he is clearing his bedroom walls completely of all his old posters and memorabelia in hopes of renewal.  I realized that, as much as this may be a teen problem, it's also a me problem.  I used to really know what I wanted and what I liked and it didn't matter how I got there as long as I was enjoying the ride while I was going.  I pierced my tongue and dyed my hair pink and wore mismatched outfits and drank green tea and listened to the same CDs over and over because they inspired me.  I stayed up late just to write and I would spend all day belting musicals and working on jigsaw puzzles and didn't worry about tomorrow or not having time to do things.  I have become stale-I got married and have become stale.  I love my husband but I need to pull back and reinvent my single self in order to be happy with what I'm contributint to not only him, but to myself. I have had the same cut for years, I haven't pierced or tatooed myself in years (and although this doesn't matter so much, I never change my jewellry...it's been plain forever).  I wear safe outfits and listen to music mostly when I'm in my car and even then, only on the radio.  I'm not sure what my favourite band is or even what my favourite color is.  I spend my weekends worrying about what I'll do in them that won't make me feel as if I've wasted them instead of just doing things that make me happy.  I avoid social contact with people unless they're safe.  I've been invited to Band rehearsals on Wednesdays and haven't gone, there's yoga classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I never go...my dreams are so faded that I can barely see them when, in reality, there is zero things stopping me from reaching them.  I have quieted myself down and now am too scared to go out and do things.  So, I'm starting out to get them.

It's going to begin simply...I'm going to go through my CD's and find out what I have that I still want and which ones make me the happiest...I know I've discovered a love for oldies songs and the Big Band Era so a couple of burned CD's of those will do me just fine.  Thus far, I've listened to Bryan Adams "So Far, So Good"-awesome album, literally his best songs on one disc and perfect for cranking on a hot summer day with the windows rolled down, cruising in your car.  I'm currently listening to Clay Aiken's "Measure of a Man".  The thing I like most about this CD is his vocals; the words are sub-par but his vocals really win me over and I have a lot of good memories from the tracks.

And I miss Jesus-it's been way too long.

I guess, I'll keep you updated as I go along.

Don't Worry, I Still Exist

This post is, at most, a chance to tell you all that I have not fallen off the edges of the earth but have been in a holding pattern of adjustment for the past few months which rendered me absolutely unable to produce a blog post of any consequence. And while, today is seemingly indifferent, I felt like my life was swiftly changing for the better.

As most of you know, the year 2009, seemingly hit with a distaste for Dave and my life in general and we have been riding it like a roller coaster with no stop button. Our move to Manitoba seemed like a fresh slate and while it was indeed new and always exciting to a degree, it was wrought with misadventures and trials (see our Northern Escape blog for more detail). But, as I lay in my Peppermint bubblebath today and my cats gathered to keep me company, I thought over the past few weeks and realized that these trials that seemingly plagued our lives since coming to frosty Manitoba, were better and much more fun that the despairing months of '09 in Lethbridge. And I doubt it was Lethbridge, or our circumstance, or any of the bad things that mounted one on top of the other, but God's way of pushing us into the direction we wished to go but could not see.

Dave and I had grandiose plans for our future and tons of burdens in our lives that we thought were getting us there, but unfortunately, they were pressing us down and we were losing sight of the end zone. We were both at jobs that made money but were not coming out on top and I was a University tiringly moving forward and our dream home, and my theatre and my bed and breakfast and Dave's discovery of his lifelong career were second to the struggle of every day life.

Then, we moved out here when Dave lost his job because it was then that things came into perspective. He lost his job because he was not happy, I wasn't happy at my job and definately not at the University. We wanted trees and family and small town and a chicken coop at our dream house which was big and warm and cozy. And one day, Mom told me that her and Jim were moving back to the Duck Mountains and as she showed me the land that could be mine, I knew that my dream house would look impeccable in those trees.

The first few days, as always, were an adventure, but as life sunk in and Dave struggled to find work and I supported both of us on my part time job, and we have spent all our extra money on gas for the van because the Cavalier's insurance and registration ran out and we go for a month without groceries because there is no money for more, the dream waned. But, Dave and I learned to love eachother more completely, we learned value and commitment and strength in marriage. We spent nights together, listening to music and making meals out of all that was left in the house for food, labelling them and putting them aside so we knew we would make it for two more weeks. We spend entertaining evenings with my Grandma and Aunt and Uncle instead of going out. We read to each other and embrace our creative sides for lack of TV and malls. We have been using our spare time to make everyone's Christmas presents this year and we have been trying for a family of our own. And all these things, including the hardships of no money and a gas guzzling vehicle, made for a wonderful change in our lives and I feel Christmas as a time of reawakening and a promise of 2010 as a year of many great things. I am proud of us this past year; a year to test a new marriage and a new life with more tears and yelling and frustration than ever thought possible because it brought us happiness and absolute strength.

I am keeping my New Years resolution blog but will change it for the New Year....Dave and I have made resolutions these past few months for ourselves and for eachother in an attempt to make sense of our relationship and ourselves, and I am sharing mine with you on that blog. I will be updating it shortly and will hopefully be writing on the Prayer blog as well (and more often to) as it relates to my resolutions.

I am excited and cannot wait for what my future holds.

Bad Days

Do you ever have those days where the tiniest thing goes wrong and it feels like it's going to ruin your whole day? And you know very well that it in no more than a week it will feel like something that hardly happened but somehow you can't seem to make it so at that moment? I had one of those days today and I wish I knew how to have instantaneous forgive and forget in those situations. I did get over it within four hours so I'm getting there. In fact, I feel downright pleasant (if not very tired) so good day to you all.

A Very Quick Update

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a million years and my only excuse is that pretty much zippo has been happening. I finished my semester with B pluses and have registered for the fall. I am now holding the keys to the office and have been working non-stop for the last month or so. The biggest news, however, as most of you know, is that I got pregnant three months ago. Unfortunately, the news today is that I am no longer pregnant. Last Tuesday, I lost the baby through an arduous three and a half hour labour. The good news is, I'm okay but the healing process physically is a long one. My hope is, that I'll heal in good time and that by August, Dave and I will be able to start trying again. It's been a particularily long and tough summer which seems disappointing because I was hoping to get a good break in before going back in the fall. We're keeping our fingers crossed and hopefully my next blog will contain lighter news. Love to you all and blessings on your summers.

The Beginning of a New Week

Whoever thinks throwing your back out is for the elderly has never done it. I had a muscle spasm near my tail bone on Friday and by Saturday I couldn't walk straight. It is now Monday and I'm still in quite a bit of pain and I have a weird pressure on my spine. I've felt around back there and it doesn't hurt to the touch but I did feel a muscle bulge which means that I've probably got inflamation from something small and it's causing me all sorts of trauma, like fascia pushing against the muscle (the 'bulge') which is causing my spine to tighten in defense and so on and so on. I tried walking it off today and I've had Dave massage around the area so hopefully I'll get this thing beat.
I've FINALLY found someone who seems to be working out for front desk night shift. His name is Jessey Noble and he's not only catching on quickly but he's easy on the eyes. It's been a long and arduous journey during the hiring process so I'm assuming that my back thing may be attributed to stress.
School is back on full-swing now and I think it'll be good. Usually after the first week, I'm stressed and having my first mini-breakdown just by overanalyzing the work and my overachiever behavior. But this time, all is well...so far.
I'll keep you posted,

Dave had his first car on ice scare of the winter yesterday! We were travelling to Cowley for Jim to tune up both cars and Dave was behind me. Suddenly, I looked back and didn't see him. I pulled over and phoned right away and he had hit black ice, overcoreected his steering wheel and turned a complete 360 to the opposite side of the highway where he was now parked. We decided not to go any further and turned around back to Lethbridge where we had lunch at Ricky's with his parents. He went to work for a few hours and I spent my time relaxed with my writing and a movie. Back to work today to interview for the night position and I have three one right after the other-this could be an interesting and ultimately saving my butt kind of afternoon. Wish me luck.

A Lovely Sunny Day

At work again but feeling good. I came home last night to some Supernatural and time with my husband and then had a terrific sleep. I slept in until nine when I was rudely awakened by someone in Illinois. I had breakfast and vegged to 'Sex and the City' before taking a nice, relaxing bath. I grabbed a green tea latte before work and have been slowly taking down Christmas decorations. It's good.

Happy 2009!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Well, everyone, it's been a full year and we're starting in on 2009. I'm pretty excited-I had a fantastic previous year and am so looking forward to the new one. I'm hoping to post more and keep some updates happening (kind of a New Year's Resolution).
New Year's Eve was fantastic. I worked until ten but then I went home to my husband and Mom and Jim and we ate and drank and played Scattergories and Scruples finishing up the night with 'The Golden Compass'. I cooked the first big meal of the year which of course was New Year's dinner. We had ham, garlic potatoes, peas, butterhorns and mini cheese cakes. I worked in the afternoon and was extremely tired but then I came home to Dave and one episode of Supernatural and bed. I had an extraordinary sleep and got some running around done today. I went to the bank with all my holiday bonus and paid off some bills. I bought my school books for the semester and worked out. I've been at work since two and it's been a relaxed afternoon. I have cashing out to do and then I'm going to do some last minute chores and settle down with my book which I might miraculously get finished before I have zero time left. Hope to post again soon!
Holla!

Cheers Summer, Welcome New Beginnings

I figured I should do a post since school is starting and this may be the last one physically possible for me to write for awhile. So many things are sneaking up....summer is coming to a close which, for me is okay. There were a few things I didn't get out of it like camping and some more beach time, but it was good and I'm always excited by the fall. The cool, crisp morning, the rumble of school arriving, the autumn smell, the knowledge of Thanksgiving and fall wreaths. Halloween and the slow descent into winter when the world seems sleepy. It makes me content, and excited and calmed all at the same time. I am getting somewhat excited for the new school year, however daunting I know it will eventually be...I'm excited because I'm going with my new husband and at the end of all things, there are so many opportunities, my head spins. I have the knowledge that this will get me closer to a job I could do well past retirement, it will get me to my dream house which is my most favourite part of all this, it will allow me to see the world and build my own theatre house.
And, I'm getting married...a big step for me after discovering two years ago that I could care less if I ever married as long as I could have children. It's actually odd to me to think that I found someone I want to compromise some of my single freedom for but there's no one else I'd rather accomplish all the above with than my best friend and he'd help make fine looking children!
So, I guess that's all I had to ramble on about for today. Peace out.